Monday, 14 May 2012

  • Last night had to be the scariest night of my life...the most confusing as well...

    For once i got caught in a trap not knowing what to do. It's hard to put your feelings right out on the table for someone to see. Some of the decisions i have to make in the coming weeks/months are going to take a lot of courage and discomfort on my part.  But I feel like if i do, it will all be very much worth it in the long run...but I guess I'll see if thats true.

Saturday, 05 May 2012

  • With what's been going on recently, it's really hard for me to stay focused on what i should be focused on. I just want to avoid anything and everything. I don't know how I'm really feeling right now, but it doesn't feel that great. But whats so new about that right? I'm not really sure. It just seems like a different state than any others. I don't feel very good, but i still get stuff done to a reasonable extent. However I havent been giving it my all in Japanese like I used to, and I can't bring myself to do anymore. This also ties in with all of my original habits from before though too.

    Classes become a lot more difficult when you have other friends to compare to. For me it stops being personal and becomes more like a competition. I just hate it when someone says they did so badly, but get like a B or something on the test. It really irks me...especially since i often cant even dream of doing that well in any classes like these. I mean all you have to do is study right? I do that too. Is there more to it than that? I want to believe I function the same way other people do, but maybe I don't. Then what? What do i do from there?

    No one can even figure out whats really wrong with me because there's so much that's wrong with me. Where did I go wrong? What lesson did I miss out on that everyone received?(if there even is one) I just feel like there are some things that everyone understands that I just don't. I don't know where I'm going with this right now myself. I feel like I'm just wallowing in self pity. I can see that, but what do I do to get rid of it?

Tuesday, 01 May 2012

  • I have a confession to make...

    I dont really remember what I was going to write here at first, but seeing as im procrastinating lets start with how i found a roach (or roach like bug) in my bathroom....it was a terrifying experience, especially for it being so late at night. I freaked out for like 30 seconds and then spent another minute grabbing a vacuum and gradually fumbling around until i was able to finally suck it up. That wasn't very fun. How does something that big get into my apartment anyway? Ugh...I hate bugs

    Anyway, through my bits of distraction i came across this internetocracy thing on facebook. Everyone on there says something along the lines of the government is filled with a bunch of corrupt people and that we should just restart the system....maybe if I was still in high school I would agree with them. I realize there is inequality in our income distribution. I also realize that politicians are usually trying to get votes out of people during the elections so they can be president. But it makes sense to me for it to be that way. In my eyes it's all human nature.

        First with the income inequality; not all people in the top 1% are bad people. I'm sure there are lots of them who worked hard for their money, and they want to keep it. The other issue is the fact that some people pay less taxes than others. This, from what I've gathered mostly from my undergraduate course on taxes, is usually because of how many deductions the more wealthy can get to make their taxable income  much lower. A lot of those deductions I feel are coming from donating to charities. Most people think that people trying to get by the tax system to not have to pay as much is just plain greedy, but let's face it. Those people who have all of that money and have worked hard to get it probably want to save as much as they can, just like anyone else. The only difference is that with that money they've gained a higher standard of living. And nothing is wrong with that. I dont think if anyone received a million dollars right now, they would distribute it all to their fellow 99. Everyone has their own stuff they want to pay off, stuff they would want to invest in, and other things. Why should we get mad at them for not sharing when most of us would probably do the exact same thing.

       I'm tired of hearing that politicians are corrupt. Everyone complains so much on the internet about how the president is messing everything up. Presidents are human, just like the rest of us. The main difference is that they have/had the command over the armed forces, and are pretty much representative of our country because we asked them to be. Well...maybe that isnt the main difference, it's just my take on it. But the thing is that when politicians campaign, they need to get votes somehow to win. In order to do that they have to appeal to the people as someone they want to vote for. Sometimes they make promises they wish to uphold, but realize they can't keep. It happens to all of us. I dont think there's one person out there who has fulfilled all of their promises to anyone. The reason we bash on the president is because he has a somewhat higher standing, and he shouldn't be messing up because he's the leader/representative of our country. But before he was president, he was just any other person like you and me. I'm just gonna go ahead and say it. Barack Obama will probably be the coolest president of my lifetime. Why? Because he remains a regular person, regardless of his status. And for me, all policies and measures aside, that really makes me want to vote for him again. I can't say I'm the most educated voter, but I mean seriously who am I supposed to believe when either side will tell me to just read up and find "the truth about what's really going on"? Ugh i dunno where I'm going with this anymore to be honest. I'm just sorta sick of these people. I end up losing a lot of time looking at propaganda telling me to not listen to propaganda. It's really tiring.

    Anyway theres someone I'd like to see yada yada....I hope my Dad is alright since he went into surgery today. I texted him good luck, whichi hope he was able to read. Actually theres someone else i want to see but for completely different reasons. I hope everyone else is doing okay. I miss all my xanga friends from back in the day. It just goes to show how much change people go through...and how little I change for the most part haha...There was moree i wanted to say but it's alright because i get on these wild tangents for no reason

Monday, 16 April 2012

  • Even though I lost more matches than I won, I enjoyed playing at the pokemon tourney this weekend. However for some reason I'm not feeling so great...the reason is probably because I dont feel like I'm capable of improving. Theres still this underlying idea that I'm just not understanding. I think faking being comfortable is not working anymore. I'm so scared of everything and everyone. What scares me the most is that eventually I wont have anyone to ask for assistance anymore and by then I still wont know how to carry myself. I feel like right now I cant prove that I'm worthy of anyone's attention. Once again i feel like my existence is pointless. I mean I feel like that on and off, but i dont really tell anyone because i know how they'll react.
      
        Im not suicidal or anything, I'm too scared of what people would think of me to do that. Plus theres someone out there worth being alive for. But I'm also scared of that person. 

Thursday, 12 April 2012

  •     "You only live once," YOLO, "Life is too short"... these sayings are good ones to go by, but i personally dont like them. Maybe just because they're overused, but also because YOLO and "You only live once"(YOLO being the acronym) can be turned around in the other direction. "You only live once, so do the craziest stuff you can get away with"? or should it be "You only live once, so you should actually cherish your life and dont risk it so often"? Of course, the first sounds much more enjoyable, but I really think the other should be kept in mind. As I often like to say(but fail to say well in delivery) "It's a double-edged sword." I guess you should live your life to the fullest, but that doesnt mean you have to try to get yourself killed. Also, life is not too short. I think it is long enough. Some people dont realize there is a lot of life to live, and we shouldnt worry about not being able to do anything later on until we're actually not physically/mentally able to do anything later on. Thats all I really wanted to say.

        I dont know why it particularly bothers me so much when people use these sayings. Sometimes it just feels like theyre trying to justify their bad decisions. At least for the only living once saying. As for the other saying, life can pass by quickly, if you let it. It doesnt mean everything is absolutely crucial right now. People shouldnt be pressured into feeling like they have no time to do anything. Ok I'm really done this time.

iwishiwasblazn

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    • Name: Jaml
    • Location: Bay Area, California, United States
    • Gender: Male
    • Member Since: 8/4/2005